The happiest I’ve ever been
It was around January 2020. I became the head coach of a youth basketball team.
I was a few months into my first job out of college, and I was feeling… empty. I couldn’t explain why, so I set out to fill the void. I built side projects, went drinking with coworkers, and got really into the upcoming election. These all felt like things I should be doing as the yuppy I had just become, but the emptiness resided.
Indiana loves its basketball, so it was easy for me to find a local gym to play pickup. I became friendly with the regulars and the staff. One day, the athletic director told me they were looking for a volunteer assistant basketball coach for the middle school league. Being a former camp counselor, the idea intrigued me. Unexpectedly, the “assistant” position became the “head” position, and I was quickly thrown into a clinic, where I had to draft all my players by the end of the session.
Team drafted. 6 kids. 1 game per week. 2 practices per week. 14 parent emails (somehow). Practice starts tomorrow.
You know those bullshit leadership positions we all had in high school and college? Like how you were “VP of Operations” for some club, and all you did was order pizza? Yeah, this was not that. Getting thrown into an empty gym with six kids and two basketballs is a thrilling experience! I’m so grateful my buddy Clayton joined me as co-coach. I spent the whole day preparing for that 2-hour practice, and I think it showed. We learned each other’s names, had a solid skills assessment, set some ground rules, and had some fun with a little knockout.
Here’s the headline: I fucking loved being a coach. And, I don’t want to brag, but I was really good at it. We lost one game, our first game, and went undefeated after that. But improving each kid’s skill and confidence was the real mission. Instead of my desk job, I’d be asking Clayton how we could make Corey¹ use his body for rebounding. Or how Monte’s soccer skills could be best leveraged. Or how Evan, our best player, could become an on-court leader.
David, our self-deprecating goofball who insisted he’d be benched in the 4th quarter, made two game-changing dives for the ball in our last game. At the end of every game, I’d ask if anyone had any shoutouts to give about their teammates. Evan called David “a beast” for his dives, followed by rousing applause from the whole team. David’s smile is likely something I’ll be taking to my grave.
As the kids’ confidence grew, mine did too. I walked around the gym with a strut. I greeted their families with confident eye contact, remembering every word they said. I felt myself performing better in all parts of life: work, community, relationships… I became “that guy” who made shit happen in our friend group.
Heading into March, I was planning a surprise for the team. I had a contact at the Indiana Pacers, and I was scheming to get them to play on the court during a break in play. But to much ruin, Covid became a pandemic, leading to an abrupt end to the season, and an immediate global quarantine…
But that’s another story for another time. This is a story about happiness- and finding it at any point in your life.
I was happy when I was a youth basketball coach. And I find it notable to recall why I was happy:
- I love helping kids. I can’t exactly explain why… perhaps it’s biological. But I’m pretty darn good at it. I find it much easier to talk to kids than adults.
- I love being in the real world. If I taught those kids on Zoom… it wouldn’t have been the same. To travel somewhere, break a sweat, and high-five my team was such a gift.
- I love being in control. Coordinating practice, calling the plays, making substitutions- coaching let me steer my own ship. “Loving control” has its drawbacks. But succeeding within that control gave me real confidence and belief in myself.
- I love basketball. I can’t think of a better activity to learn about your mind, body, and role within a system. I’m a junkyard dog. When I get mad, I work extra hard doing the stuff nobody else wants to do. But I lose energy faster. I learned this from the game.
If I could give any advice to someone who needs it, I’d tell them to write down the things that have made them happy, and then explore why.
Why am I writing this now? I have a sense that many people in tech are feeling what I’m feeling. For years, you’ve sat in front of a rectangle, moving tinier rectangles, only to learn that AI can now move those rectangles 10x better. As someone outside the equity class, you begin to wonder what your role is in this new paradigm. And whether rectangles were ever your ticket to happiness in the first place.
When I was the age my basketball kids were, The Social Network came out. Like so many, I am a product of that generation. I accepted the propaganda that my value to this world only went as far as my product could scale. At 28, I’m finally beginning to challenge that.
Don’t get me wrong, I love tech. I think it’s magical. But I really hope to live in a world where my future kids find sitting in front of a rectangle all day to be dystopian and cringe. I really really really hope the invisible hand finds its way to getting me back into something I love. Maybe this “death of SaaS” talk, regardless of truth, is the wakeup call to so many us need.
¹ Names have been changed to protect their privacy.